As promised…here is the follow-up to that story about the internal meeting of Body, Mind, Spirit and Heart:
I love Sundays!
On Sunday, I get to tune into my Bnei Baruch Kabbalah Webinar
On Sunday, I can do whatever I want, even eat waffles.
On Sunday, I think I have this amazing amount of time to do all the things I want to do. I generally end the day wondering what happened. Where did all the time go?
On Saturday, I tackled another several boxes of paper; those boxes I mentioned in a prior post that have followed me around since my divorce several years ago. I’m pretty proud of the progress I made.
I’m pretty proud of the amount of stuff I recycled. I actually tossed magazines that are not the newest issue even if I haven’t read them yet. I have to admit, it made my heart race, but as the paper hit the bottom of the bin I felt a huge sense of en-lighten-ment.
From Tarot of the Spirit Deck by Pamela Eakins PhD and Joyce Eakins MFA (c) 1992 U.S. Games Systems, Inc. Image used with permission
Sunday morning I did a meditation upon my new Tarot card: 5 of Wind (Fear). In my mind’s eye, I kept seeing the image of one particular file and the title on its tab. Without naming names, I will tell you it holds notes from a teleseminar on a particular method for busting old beliefs. It’s the perfect example of files I have kept that I never look at again.
In fact, I have so completely integrated the many coaching and healing tools I’ve been exposed to over the years, that I don’t really coach by-the-book anymore. I use or create whatever is needed in whatever way it comes in handy. I mix it up and it’s all improvisational. I actually have a preference for working that way, though my mind keeps thinking I should be more structured and organized. Oh gosh, that’s the story of my life.
In the meditation, I had a conversation about fear with the guardian Wind Brother (part of this Tarot deck). What a great coach he is. Here’s how the dialogue went:
Wind Brother: What are you afraid of?
Me: I’m afraid of losing ground. I fought hard to make it on my own and reach the survival level doing work I love. I don’t want to lose the ground I’ve gained. (I saw myself on the face of a cliff. My hands were holding on to the top edge and my feet were resting on a tiny ledge. I was one good hefty pull-up from being on top.)
I’m afraid of losing the clients and creature comforts I have now. I’m afraid of losing all the learning in which I’ve invested time and money; all the learning which I imagine lives in those files.
Wind Brother: What do you want?
Me: I want to be up there on top of the cliff, running free and enjoying life to the fullest. I want creature comforts, yes, and more; freedom, mobility and I want to contribute.
Wind Brother: Then why don’t you climb on up?
Me: I’m afraid I’ll fall all the way back.
Wind Brother: So what?
Me: I see myself fall and what it means is I will have 2 or fewer clients and empty file drawers and I realize that the fall was about 4 feet down. I also realize that I can’t lose the learning, the experience, the wisdom. I burst into laughter. I laugh so hard that I can’t stop for awhile.
This is a “struggle of the intellect” as Pamela Eakins, PhD writes in the book Tarot of the Spirit. It’s all a big smoke screen. Ooga booga kind of stuff. I’ve saved the financial padding to take some risks. So, I can’t fool myself that it’s about money. It’s about fear and it’s about pride.
So, let’s see…shall I let my fear of losing pride, of backtracking a bit, of falling to the bottom of the cliff and landing in a place of a few clients, a lack of neatly filed folders of information (I mean is this absurd or what?) keep me from following my heart and doing my work in the world?
I think NOT
Heart, I’m listening!
Lift me up Wind Brother!
We’ve got to ask ourselves the “so what?” question. We too often collude with ourselves and others by not questioning the logic, the scary if-I-do-that-then-drama scenario.
No matter how bad it sounds, how horrific a picture you’ve painted, ask yourself “so what?” See where it takes you.
I will tell you what I know about the so-what trail in an upcoming post.
Copyright (c) August 2009, Kathy J Loh, All Rights Reserved