Today, my love for mystery is bumping up against my archetypal victim.
Phooey on evolution and new ways of thinking and being.
Phooey on dreams and visions that require me to be more vulnerable.
Phooey on cleaning up, empowered relationships, and mastery.
And double phooey on social media upkeep.
The only thing that soothes me is the comfort of nature. That, and food; gooey sticky tummy-filling comfort food. Oh, music too. If I think about it, I’m speaking “womb;” surrounded by good energy, well held and well fed while listening to the rhythm of the heart and singing of blood as it’s pumped through the veins.
I’m floating in the void; at one and the same time comfortable and extremely frustrated.
When I am in this in-between space and in the grip of “victim,” I find myself waiting to be rescued. I’m hoping that the next email, the next phone call, the next mail delivery will bring me a pleasant surprise. I’m hoping that this next trip into town will yield a chance encounter that turns golden. Sometimes, it does. I will get an email inquiry from a potential client, checks in the mail or make a new connection. But most days it’s just bills and junk mail and a bag of groceries in the back of the car.
Where is my knight in shining armor?
Where is Publisher’s Clearinghouse with my million-dollar check?
Waiting to be rescued is a sign that I don’t want to take responsibility for my life, my visions, my happiness. Responsibility feels punishing; like really hard work with high odds of failure. Well, at least that’s how my victim sees it.
I’m rattled by the mess that the fallen oak tree left. No one is stacking firewood. No one is cleaning up the limbs that are dangling from the trees that were slammed by oak on its way down. No one cares about the huge pile of dead boughs. To top it off, the wind carried a big bright blue plastic bag into the center of the whole scene as if to garishly announce “trash heap.”
These thoughts followed me out to the hiking trail.
The view from my window is not what it once was. It’s not what it will be. It is what it is. I don’t want to take responsibility for it and I want it to be a certain way.
My life is not what it once was. It’s not what I imagine it will be. It is what it is. I don’t want to take responsibility for it, but I sure as heck want to control it.
And that’s the moment in my rant that a snake and I came face to boot on the hiking trail. It was a striped racer, not a threat, and a great reminder of the process of transformation and rebirth. When snake sheds its skin, its eyes cloud over. My eyes are clouded. I can’t see. I’m shedding my old skin. It doesn’t feel good.
In my old life, I did things the hard way. I suffered to earn reward, love, and worthiness. Responsibility was a burden. Discipline was like living in eternal boot camp. I was hard on myself. OK, I think I was actually darn cruel to myself at times.
Who I am becoming is self-nurturing, inspired by Love to walk the path of Beauty, a dancer in the Great Mystery, truly enchanted by life. To this evolving me, responsibility is the “ability to respond” and discipline is “being a disciple to.”
I want to remember (re-member) what makes me happy and be a disciple to my passions. I want to be able to respond to the winds of change. I want to know and speak the language of the heart.
This experience of floating in the void, this bumping up against like the incoming and outgoing tides, that feels like I’m going nowhere, this shedding of skin and waiting for the new to dry; waiting…waiting….waiting…is full of tension.
This tension is pure creative energy.
I know I am in a deeply creative process and I’m itching for resolution.
I suspect that powerful re-solutions arise in their own time and are not especially responsive to control.
So, I set down control and I surrender to creative chaos.
I allow myself to be enchanted by the mystery of it all.
I am grateful to snake for the reminder that I am re-minding from brain to heart and that it is a process that knows its own timing.
So…
Phooey on control.
Phooey on making things hard.
Phooey on waiting to be rescued.
Uhm, except …
I’d still gladly accept that prize from Publishers Clearing House.
Copyright (c) November 2009, Kathy J Loh, all rights reserved
Yes, I’ve always found this in-between place of between a bit dicey — not this anymore and not yet what I’m wanting to have be here right now and manifested.
Great how Nature sent you snake as a reminder of the process of transformation you’re in. Yeah too to the mess of boughs – creativity and birth is messy!
And yet, still not easy…..
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Yes, Karen – true – and you make me think of how the path of ease is not necessarily easy and sometimes I get confused about that. Still a good Waaaa! is a nice release from time to time, huh? thx for commenting.
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This was so amazingly close to home Kathy. Beautifully described too. This state is so familiar to me, and when I am there, waiting for that miracle to come knocking, I sit in silence and sing HU, slowly, softly, like a mantra that will bring the miracle. (Have you ever heard about the HU? Tried it maybe?) The secret is, that it does bring the miracle: clarity, compassion, guidance… I am so grateful to the soul, many lifetimes ago (it feel) that shared this secret with me. I saw Light and heard a special Sound as I was singing. I still do, sometimes. Try it… it is so healing and powerful.
Thanks again
Shuli
PS: I might still enjoy the comfort belly filling sticky food! 🙂
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Oh yes! Thank you for the opportunity to discover the guidance for today… it’s almost evening here in Jerusalem: so comfort food, clean sheets and the HU: a love song to God!
Blessings
Shuli
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Hi Shuli! I love that singing of HU and will try it. And I’m baking up some yummy gingerbread at this very moment. Bellies love song and food. Thanks for your wonderful offering.
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Hmmm .. delicious … I can almost smell and taste your ginger bread as I drink my delicious cup of coffee… and into my mind brightly pops up the thought ‘…miracles in the making…’
Oh HO .. So stirring into the pot of creative chaos … add a piece of oak bark… stirring ..stirring … now a bit of ginger bread … stirring…stirring … oh and a blade of grass stirring..stirring .. piece of plastic (bag) as blue as a crystal clear sky…stirring ..stirring …..the discarded skin from Loh the striped racer … cackle ..cackle .. whooooooosh !…. acknowledges the wind …. spinning the contents of the pot …..
phooey to control …cackle ..crackle.. pop!
phooey to struggling ..cackle …crackle .. pop!
phooey to waiting … cackle… crackle .. pop!
Now add in loads and loads of HU … tee hee ..!
Thank you … replies God
‘Here’s my song for you’ …
I am always with you … I love you… I love you …
You are a gift to the world ..
You make an awesome difference ..
Simply ‘being’ true to you.
Keep stirring …. throw in a ladle of fun.. ‘cos there’s magic …in the air …..
Keep stirring for us all – Kathy! Love ‘n’ Hugs xx Pemma
Let’s keep that pot stirring ..
and the miracle is waiting ………..?
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Invite me to this party Pemma…
adding in loads and loads of HU … tee hee ..!
Thank you … replies God
‘Here’s my song for you’ …
I am always with you … (YES!)
AND THE BLESSING ARE BEING!
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Dear Kathy and Shulamit,
I had not heard of HU, so of course I Googled and found this video on YouTube that I thought I’d share. It depicts a number of kids describing HU for them. It is beautiful. Shulamit, thanks for introducing me to HU. I have been doing an extended meditation (up to 3 hours) and I am going to begin with HU.
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1123087/hu_a_love_song_to_god_eckankar_youth/
Love,
She
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Really interesting Sheila, thanks! I listened to it. Nice to know where HU comes from. That took me to some OM chants and
other videos about OM on YouTube. Love that this post is creating learning in so many ways for all of us.
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Oh my gosh Pemma! Post meditation, high on dancing and music and sunshine to start my day and then this incredible enchantment from you – this is not a comment, it’s poetry, it’s alchemy and you have swhooshed into my heart with it. Methinks it is time for a Pemma blog! AND thank you so much for the impact of magic and beauty you’ve had on me today (and every day) – as I type these words, the music is playing and the words “Dream catch me when I fall” and “I know now who I am” are being sung. I am motoring today on Pemma power, the energizer who speaks from love and mischief.
And yes, Shuli – let’s all join the HU party with lots of tee hee!
Trees are dancing outside my window…the party has begun.
Love to both of you!
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Kathy and Shuli … The HU party with lots of tee hee! has definitely begun ….
I just love playing with you … and with the wind in the trees!
So much fun ……
Blessings and sparkling energy ~
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“Creative chaos” – I like that term. I think I’m in the same place.
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I’m thinking it’s a good place to be Heather. After all, it formed the Universe! Thanks for stopping by. See you around Twitter
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Kathy, we were both in the same place on Nov. 5th, I wonder if the new moon from Nov. 2 had anything to do with this feeling of shedding. I was angry and disappointed, I felt a need to receive and not wait anymore, I wanted my reward, and felt left alone. I prayed and cried for my dream life, until when, when do I have to keep at it…I said out loud, poor Francisco had to hear it all. Anyways Phooey to giving up! life is a process and the most beautiful things in life are not meant to be rushed.
Your friend in crime,
Andrea.
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Ha Andrea! I love having a phooey-turned-inspired partner-in-crime. You rock!
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Dear Kathy,
What a wonderful path of experience, just as you are flowing and than the snake appears. It goes to show that everything is connected and that when one thinks that they have their own world, something comes up and reminds oneself that the world is shared within each of us thus creating the whole. 🙂
Wonderful!
Keep being as you are.
That is what makes us right now! YEY
So wonderful to be connected with you now, even across these words which mean a great deal under the exterior and into what we are made of. YEY
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It makes me smile to revisit this story a month later and to hear your enthusiasm for the symbolism and sign of it all. I watched
Botany of Desire on PBS last night and was struck by the affirmation that plants are aware of us as well, that they are evolving
in tandem, in their own way. I will be blogging about this in an upcoming post. I’m grateful for our connection too.
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