Ever had a brain lift? I make up that it’s like a face lift, but instead of erasing wrinkles, it erases beliefs.
I felt a wire in my brain snap during a coaching call with my coach, Jeanine Mancusi, the other day. She’d asked about my ideas as to why my ex-husband went on to have an apparently happy life, the new young wife, dogs, etc., when he had been the “bad guy ” who had never behaved like he really wanted to be married to begin with. I made up all kinds of amateur analyses about it, finally admitting I didn’t really know and I felt I never would, because I’m not in his head. I’m not even in his life anymore.
Then she said something that hit me like Cher’s “snap out of it” slap in Nicholas Cage’s face in Moonstruck. She said:
“He chose to be happy.”
It was as if my brain went on red alert and all thinking had to be shut down in order to handle some sudden voltage. This is what it feels like when an illusion is pierced by the truth.
Uhm….it’s that simple? It’s that simple.
I was totally energized when we hung up. I got straight to work doing the things I’ve been resisting for months. As I marveled about the new burst of energy, I also mused and began to unravel, further, the tapestry of this belief I’d been holding. Actually, it’s the belief that was holding me….hostage.
The warp and weave of this particular tapestry comprised such notions as:
If you are good, you will be rewarded with happiness.
If you are bad, you will be punished and happiness will be withheld.
People who are bad and do bad things don’t deserve to be happy.
People who are good and do good things deserve to be happy.
People who do bad things and are still happy are cheating.
Now, how old do you think the person was who thought all of that up? It’s been hard-wired in my brain for a very long time.
Suddenly, I understood the strange sense I have had all these years of waiting for the good news, the money, the soulmate to arrive. I have been awaiting, patiently and sometimes not so patiently, my reward for good behavior.
Here’s the catch: I’ll never be good enough. (Notice the collapse between inherent goodness and good behavior.) There’s always a thought or action that will land me in the penalty box in the game of life. If I sprain my ankle, I make an assumption (with the old belief) that I must not have been good enough. You know, like that old saying: if you bite your tongue you must’ve been thinking something bad about someone.
Even more wicked is this part: If anyone else in the world is unhappy (especially innocent people) then I can’t be happy because to do so would be in very poor form. It would be selfish and taking more than my share. (As you know, there is only so much happiness to go around!) A good girl learns to share. If I was happy and taking more than my share while others were unhappy then I would be a bad person and you know where that gets me….back into the penalty box; losing points and losing ground in my pursuit of happiness.
So, as humans will, I’d created an elaborate scheme for earning happiness which has to do with putting myself though lessons of unhappiness to grow myself and become the better, more deserving person and thus closer to receiving the reward of happiness. It’s kind of like working really hard and doing extra credit homework for the A, or striving for sainthood.
Then all of a sudden, la-dee-da, along comes the realization that anyone, regardless of good or bad, (A student or F student), deserving or undeserving, hard worker or lazy, gets to choose to be happy just because they want to.
WTF? That sucks! And WOW you mean?
The waiting is over, sweetheart!
Right here, right now, I can decide to be happy and I don’t have to do anything to earn it, to pay for it, to coax it, to deserve it. All I’ve got to do is choose. The entire tapestry of the old belief structure had been pulled apart, string by string and there is nothing substantial to sustain it anymore.
A hawk is circling skyward outside my window as I write this. It reminds me to note that I covered this territory in this blog last October. It’s no straight line, this evolution of consciousness. More like a spiral; each time we rise higher on the current, getting an ever broader perspective. At the same time, like the hawk, able to see the finest details with clarity.
My resistance to doing what I wanted to do (written about in the two previous posts) was generated by several factors:
Rebellion: I’d been earning for a very long time and I was tired of showing up and not getting rewarded.
A holding pattern: I’m waiting for my reward. Surely it will arrive any day now. (The scary thing about this notion is that I could easily wait myself into the grave.)
Indecisiveness: I didn’t know for sure what action or activity would get me the most points toward happiness. I mean, if I’m trying to earn points then there must be some scoring scale for various activities, right? (Some of you might recognize this one as wanting to know if you are on the right path, doing the right thing.)
As I went to sleep that night, I reflected on this thought:
My life is a grand adventure!
I thought of all the adventures I’ve had so far. I was able to see the amazing life I’ve had. Yes, there have been tough times, but for the most part, I’ve lived a privileged and wildly creative life. I’ve participated in many amazing activities, taken fabulous journeys. Even the painful times made complete sense as part of the whole vista (a window I’ve peered through before).
I cried for the sheer Beauty of the Adventure.
I am currently at a point in my life where I can go anywhere and do anything I want. I have a blank canvas before me. I can work from anywhere as long as I have a phone. I have no pets, no spouse or mortgage to worry about. I’ve dreamed of having this blank canvas for as long as I can remember.
What is the adventure I want initiate now?
As a coach, and a visionary, I am used to taking people and myself through the visioning process. I have lost my interest in visioning the places, people and activities many years ahead.
I am more interested in visioning who I am being come whatever may. I am enchanted by the Mystery. I don’t want to plot my course so much as dance with it. I don’t need a GPS, I just need my dancing shoes.
Whether or not someone else is happy will no longer be the gauge by which I measure the happiness available to me.
Happiness is not a competition. (Neither for that matter is unhappiness, but that’s another subject.)
My coach once asked me “Does Kathy get to be happy?”
I now ask you the same question: Do you get to be happy?
Notice, as you reflect upon your answer:
Any discomfort in your body
Any conditions you place upon it
What you make up about why or why not
Does everyone else in your life and in this world get to be happy?
Why or why not? What are the rules and conditions that dictate your answer?
If you are someone who says you don’t know what you want, consider that you do know what you want, but you don’t think you get to have it. Why not?
Ok now, who wants to go dancing in the Mystery with me?
Copyright (c) March 2010, Kathy J Loh, All Rights Reserved
Brava!
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Thank you dear Sally!
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Oh, I love it!
My little child inside, kept saying to me…
I wanna craft
I wanna craft…
I don’t care if my book submission gets delayed…
I want happiness now!
and totally got the happiness competition!
so I’m crafting tonight…
after a long while,and my new promise,
is to do a little crafting every morning…
wonderful ex pos eee,
I know you so well, dear Kathy..
the apple of my heart!
xxxx
Annie
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You got to craft and I got to read (and nap). Listening to each moment with an eye on the bigger picture.
We can trust ourselves. It will get done. Thanks Annie!
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So beautiful…made me teary eyed.
Thanks Kathy.
I love you.
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I love you too Tal – you inspire me always!
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Awesome, Kathy!
I am in awe of who you are becoming. (Happy Kathy?)
And there is much for me to learn here.
Thank you.
With love, Evelyn.
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Oh YAY Evelyn – wonderful to see you here. Happy Kathy…now there’s a thought. When I
was growing up, there was a doll “Chatty Cathy” – you pulled a string and she talked. Better
to have that one named Cathy than the one that wets (Besty Wetsy) LOL – It is certainly
something to live into – Happy Kathy – thanks for that
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Beautifully said, Kathy. I love how at choice you are. Well, obviously you always were, it’s just that veil has been removed. I can’t wait to hear what’s possible from this perspective on happiness!
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I can’t wait either Sandy 🙂 – thanks!
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I cannot even begin to tell you how much this resonated with me. I was married the first time to an emotionally abusive man. He went on to remarry, have kids, change careers, and write books — all of which drove me crazy. Why was I alone and unhappy and lonely and all of those other unpleasant things?
He made the choice — I didn’t. I also waited for my “reward.”
I now have the nice husband, the beautiful kids, and I’m still looking for a “reward” for “doing the right thing.” (This is difficult to get into in a blog comment, so trust me when I say this is what’s happening!)
I felt something shift when I read the post, especially when I got to the hawk, since (as you know) I have my own hawk messenger, Mercury, and he’s been talking a lot lately.
Thank you, Kathy.
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Wow Linnea – seems to me you got plenty across in the blog comment. I hear you. It’s
so awesome that you have “Mercury” as your messenger. If he’s been talking a lot he’s telling
you to be very aware – a message is coming. All adventurers welcome!
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Oh, Kathy, this is just extraordinarily yummy! Thank you for sharing the intimacy of your being. Love, Cat
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Thanks Cat! I find I am willing to share as long as one other person finds it helpful to them in their
own journey. That’s what it’s all about for me. Tasty and yummy are good too!
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Well said, Kathy! I think I had a similar tape running through my head, and still have to fight it from time to time.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
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Thanks Heather! oh boy…I know…It’s cyclical. Wonder if the tape is something we could stick in
an old 8track drive and watch it get eaten up. LOL
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Thanks for hitting me between the eyes with this one. Thanks for taking the time to write it all out.
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Ha Shamsi – I love the process of writing it all out and I am grateful that you and others appreciate the results.
May your heart be light as a feather!
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You SAID it. lady! I love the Happy Kathy name – and I remember that darn Chatty Cathy doll (certain family members claimed that she and I had similar “issues”).
What you talk about here – realizing that you’re not rewarded with happiness (or justice, or…) when you’re good (and of course, we could talk for weeks about what “good” means) – ohman! Biggest, most knocked-off-your-ass lesson of my life (and I only learned it recently) – but sooooooo (as you’ve shown here) refreshing once the shock is over!
Thanks for this!
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You and me Karen – we can be Happy K & K – create the Happy K & K ranch and offer retreats and respite from whining. hee hee (referring to your blog of course!)
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In this life we have many choices from happiness, to love, to hate, to envy, to admiration, to jealousy, to anger…the list goes on and on….Welcome to freedom Kathy!!!!
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Love you bro!
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Oh yes! I want to dance that spiral dance of choosing to be happy with you. This is so beautifully written and speaks directly to my soul. And though I’m sure it’s not the reward you’ve been waiting for, there is one over on my blog for you 🙂
Thank you for sharing your journey.
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Alana you little imp! thanks so much for that delightful surprise – I am so honored to be included in your
list of 12 blogs to receive the “sunshine award.” Now comes the task for me to decide which 12 to pass
it forward to. Oh my, that’s going to be a challenge. So much sunshine out there in the blogosphere.
My heart is dancing – thank you!
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Great blog post – great reminder that we can choose to live life with happiness and joy!
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First time visiting your blog. Wonderfully written and enjoyed your willingness to be personal. I could feel myself having the realizations you talked about as if I was going through those experiences. Choose to be happy. Take advantage of this adventure that is life. Sounds great 🙂
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Hi Kevin – thanks for stopping by – I believe we met on Twitter. Appreciate your generosity and
kind words. Hope to see you here again!
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Hi Kevin – thanks for stopping by – I believe we met on Twitter. Appreciate your generosity and
kind words. Hope to see you here again!
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I love those ah-ha coaching moments and this was a particularly good one. We can all choose to be happy. Wow. So simple and yet so profound. Thank you.
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Thanks Charlotte and thanks for stopping by. So happy to make your acquaintance and love your blog!
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