I’ve started this sentence many times over. It’s not that I don’t know what to say. Rather, I am distracted by (or what I prefer to call otherwise attracted to) the wildlife outside my window. It’s the daily luncheon at the oak diner for chickadees, juncos and woodpeckers. Today they are joined by two robins who are perched still as statues while a jay warns in the distance of a hawk soaring overhead. That same hawk is sharing the air space and the wind currents with two turkey vultures. A crow is showing off its wide vocal range. Several birds follow their feast with a bath in the copper sculpture across the way, while two red squirrels chase each other through the branches with clownish grace.
Such are the magical moments presence in the Great Mystery offers. I’ll sprinkle the images throughout this post.
And I’m feeling a bit like a cat at the window; my eyes tracking every little movement; “what was that? What was that?”
It’s precisely this sense of surprise and wonder that I want to expand as I move, with the passing of the Solstice, into days of more light. And, yes, I mean that metaphorically as well as literally.
The only appointment on my calendar today was a meditation and energy healing with Ping Li of Awaken Within Path. Today’s meditation and energy healing was on abundance and receiving. As I sat in the silence, open to receiving purification of old energies that no longer serve who I am becoming, I brought forth three things for transmutation: money, love, healing.
I distilled it down to three unproven notions still swimming in my energy field:
- Money is evil (or at least the root of it) [clarification to come]
- Love hurts (betrayal being my sore spot)
- Healers suffer for their gift(s), not only have they been wounded, they remain crippled (don’t have a clue where I got this one…past life?)
You can imagine how helpful these beliefs are for one who wants more income, a loving partner and is engaged in healing practices. Uh-huh! Does any of this sound familiar to you?
I’m not much of a scientist. I have the curiosity of one, but I’m not very detailed oriented and don’t like restrictions on my movement. I’m more an explorer than a scientist. So, I set about to explore these notions to find the one thing that would help me release them, which is to say, to discover them once and for all untrue. Here’s what bubbled up:
It’s all just history.
Money is evil
The whole money is evil thing is from the Bible, only the words are actually: “The love of money is the root of all evil” (1 Timothy 6:10, KJV ) and, according to a Wikipedia article: “A more accurate rendering from the original Greek may be: ‘For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil,’ (New American Standard Bible).”
Money doesn’t create anything. We do. What we do with money and how we are about it, is not about money, it’s about us.
Love doesn’t hurt, we do. We get hurt and we hurt others. We betray, get betrayed and worst of all, betray ourselves. We numb out, freeze our hearts, cheat, create eternal busy-ness in our attempts to avoid pain, thereby creating the greatest pain of all – separation.
We are afraid to love because we are afraid to feel the loss of love. In a funny way, we pre-empt the pain by creating it from the start with our separation and isolation. That’s about as rational as saying: I’m afraid that, someday, I won’t have any food. So I’m not going to eat anything ever and that I won’t know the feeling of hunger after having experienced a full belly.
People don’t suffer because they have chosen to be healers, they likely became healers, because they have suffered and it is easy enough to gather evidence that there are amazing healers in the world who are not crippled or ill.
This is a story my negative ego dangles in front of me when, faced with the question, “who am I becoming if it is not who I am now?” It responds with a lot of very scary images to keep me confined to the shadow of who I think I know myself to be. Because that’s what the negative ego does. It pulls together little bits and pieces of sayings and events, tosses them in a blender and pours a toxic cocktail of half truths and assumptions and serves them to us with a mischievous smile. “Here, have a drink. It’ll make you feel better.” It’s much safer to cling to my “personality” than to go off on some adventure to find a “me” I’ve never known before.
Sure, I’ve been wounded. Who reading this has not? Opening to my capacity to heal myself and others has no direct correlation to suffering other than it is meant to alleviate it.
Byron Katie’s (The Work) questions help here:
Me: (Supposition): If I open to my full capacity as a healer, I will suffer.
Katie: Is that true?
Me: Yes (tenuously, but I can’t say no)
Katie: Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
Me: No (I must admit)
Katie: How do you react when you think that thought?
Me: I feel scared and weak and timid. I feel like I’m not living up to my fullest potential as a compassionate being. I’m sitting on my hands, so to speak. I hide out.
Katie: Who would you be without the thought?
Me: (here we are back to that question…who would I be, but this time instead of the great wild unknown of who I am becoming, it is an exploration of life without just this one thought…just this one)
I’d be someone willing to engage with the world with an open and compassionate heart. I’d be someone exploring their fullest potential.
OK – this is a no-brainer now! Without that thought, I can be one who brings healing to others, in whatever form I do, while also being mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically vital. That is to say, in integrity.
The precise time of solstice is 14 minutes away. At this time of our shortest day and longest night (in northern hemisphere); at this time when there is much promise of hope, forgiveness and new beginnings; at this time when the old structures are giving way and new ones await our creation; at this time:
I release history and dance into the Mystery
What happens when I no longer believe that evil and money are married at the hip?
What happens when I no longer believe that falling in love is setting myself up for betrayal?
What happens when I bring forth my healing gifts with integral health and well-being of body, mind, spirit and heart?
At this point in my meditation I heard, “We’ve been waiting to play with you.”
I smiled and the word surrender bubbled to the surface of my awareness for another go round.
Surrender your history
Surrender to the unknown
Surrender to potential and possibility.
I recall a quote I used in a recent Mystery Message about surrender:
“You can remain in your present idea about yourself, or you can choose again. I like the idea of choosing again.” Neale Donald Walsch
As I type these final words, the solstice moment has arrived, right on time.
Into the light everyone, into the light.
Surrender to the truer, more real you.
copyright (c) December 2010, Kathy J Loh, All Rights Reserved