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Posts Tagged ‘love’

“Your matter matters.” Tantra Maat

You matter!

Why? How do I know?

No matter what you do, who you are to others, where you live, it comes down to one thing:

You matter because you are here. (And you are here, because you matter.)

We are are the frontier extension of source energy that is ever expanding. We are the pioneers, the messengers and the creators.

We matter, you and I. (The emphasis being on and, because it is not about or, or even about more than, less than.)

Maybe, if we allowed ourselves to embody that, everything else would fall into alignment.

Astrophysicist Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson was asked by a reader of TIME magazine,

“What is the most astounding fact you can share with us about the Universe?” This is his answer.

copyright(c) March 2012, Kathy J Loh, All Rights Reserved (except video)

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“As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Nelson Mandela

I notice as I begin to write this post, that it is high noon. I’m reminded of Westerns in which the moment of confrontation is scheduled for high noon.

I have felt myself to be traveling toward high noon. The confrontation is not with any outer circumstance or individual. It is within me. It is that moment when my personality squares up with my soul and says “draw pahrdner!” It is the moment when my mind steps aside in deference to my heart.  It is the portal to a new way of being that can’t be known, but only glimpsed, from this side of the door jamb.

But wait…let’s rewrite the script here.  I think I’ll write it as me riding off into the sunset at the beck and call of soul.

I’m not interested in fighting. Fighting, especially with the negative ego, is the ultimate detour. I’m interested in being an enchanted wanderer in the Great Mystery.

I’ve not posted much here recently, and I’ve had plenty of passion and ideas about what to write. Passion and inspiration are moving through me so quickly that I find myself living those unwritten posts and moving on before I ever get near the computer.  Some of it gets disseminated in my journals, my emails to friends and comments on other people’s blogs. The rest is simply digested.

It used to be that I kept track of every inspiration, every whisper or sign from the Universe that it is friendly and helpful. I wanted to remember the magic, hold on to it forever. Now I’m inundated with messages and it’s all too much to hold; spilling over. Trying to accumulate to remember is another distraction. True remembrance is re-membering; embodying

I have a suspicion many of you have been feeling something similar; an apparent acceleration (or shrinking) of time. I say apparent because the reality of linear time is questionable and so it follows that acceleration would also be an illusion. What if it is about the speed of soul and we are beginning to feel that vibration? I suspect that we will find ourselves soothing our physical bodies by slowing down to speed up; meaning becoming more deeply present to the infinite here and now in order to attune to (or even survive) the new frequencies.

Still, here we are…moments past the actual time of the Super Moon (2:10 pm EDT), hours away from the Spring Equinox tomorrow (March 20 7:21 pm EDT) praying for Japan, praying for the ocean, praying for ourselves.

copyright(c) March 2011, Kathy J Loh All Rights Reserved

Do you see the dancer in the shadow to the right?

This equinox finds us at a different kind of high noon. We are precariously unbalanced and in great need of realignment. Fear begins to shut down our physical systems. We begin to show symptoms in pain, illness, depression, confusion. We can meet our fear at high-noon and stare it down, hope to God/dess to have the fastest draw, or we can let our fear live out its own story in some other reality while we ride off into the sunset of Love, guided by our hearts.

This riding off into the sunset is not an ending. It is a beginning. It is accomplished in the simplest of steps and awarenesses:

Where is your attention?

To what are you giving your energy?

What do you tell yourself about you?

When you are thinking, who is thinking and who is listening?

Where is the Love? (hint: all around you)

What does it take to open to receive Love even in the face of fear?

How can you extend any amount of Love if you are not opening to receive it?

What will soothe your physical body so that you feel safe?  (hint: it’s the small things)

What in your space and activities is more noise and distraction than beauty and clarity?

What will you do about that? (in the name of Love)

Here’s an example of soothing by way of something I created for myself in an improvisatory moment last night.

I’d been feeling very out of sorts. I had a stiff neck (from exercising my frozen shoulder) and I was feeling some kind of heaviness in my head. My blood pressure felt low. I was also sick and tired of all the rain and dankness in my place. I was miserably cold. I decided to take a bath to get warm.

I set up the bath with the usual candle and bath amenities and I set Pandora to my Hawaiian slack key channel. I immersed myself and let the water work its magic. I let my arms float and make hula movements in the water. I found myself in the warm waters of Manele Bay where the dolphins swim.

I sang along with the instrumental music in Hawaiian style, making up words that sound Hawaiian but are actually nonsense. The amount of challenge presented by singing with harmonies that were unknown to me was just right. As I sang, I pictured Lanikai Beach. My mind drifted to the memory of a game I’d played with Jeff Jacobson and other Lucid Living friends. We made up words and phrases in fake Hawaiian sound-alike language.  In my imagination, while soaking in the tub, I created a reality in which I was having a great time with these friends. Jeff’s wonderful playful energy was with me in that moment. I laughed and sang and laughed some more. I got downright silly.

copyright (c) Oct 2010, Kathy J Loh, All Rights Reserved

Lanikai, Oahu, HI

By the time I got out of the tub, my entire system had been re-set. I had created community and fun and my heart was filled with joy, love and playfulness. Love was present and I was present to Love.

Question: was it real?

Answer: Did I experience it?

Now I ask you, as you consider riding off into the sunset at high noon: if we create our reality, what reality do we want to create? One of fear and constriction?  One of Love and expansion? (And yes, there are many more choices and we include it all, but I have a notion that Love and expansion are more inclusive than fear and constriction.)

Even if you don’t believe you create it all, you can at least think about your capacity to be at choice with how you will be with the reality you perceive.

My bath time wonderland last night was my oxygen mask. The one I put on before I can help others; the one that enables me to spill over with joy and Love – the same joy and love that powers my prayers and visions for Japan, for Christchurch, for Chile, for Haiti, for Libya, for New Orleans, for polar bears and arctic ice floes.

Tragedy, chaos and destruction in the world do not preclude laughter and play, they demand it.

So, I invite you to leave your fear standing alone in the dusty, empty center of some ghost town and ride off into the sunset of your new reality on a laughing and singing on a horse called Love. It must be high noon somewhere and the world needs laughter and prayers from hearts spilling over with Love and joy.

Here’s a soundtrack for your ride (Led (Ledward) Kaapana):

PS: How about some hope? Lucid Living is offering a workshop: Anchoring New Hope: Sacred Ceremonies for a New World. Click HERE for more info.

Copyright © March 2011, Kathy J Loh, All Rights Reserved

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Summer is officially over at 3:09 UT on 9/23, which (heads up) is 8:09 pm today 9/22 in California.

Let’s see. That means I have approximately 7.5 more hours to enjoy summer. I have about 7.5 hours to wait until that moment in time when “there is a location on the Earth’s equator where the center of the Sun can be observed to be vertically overhead,” (Wikipedia). I have today and tomorrow to experience as having equal day and night hours.

I have one foot in summer and one foot in fall.

I’m raking leaves wearing my bathing suit.

OK, I’m not wearing my bathing suit. I’m wearing sunscreen and I am raking leaves…

Or I was…

Yesterday…

I just can’t bring myself to write any more than that, sitting here in a cold house staring out at a beautiful sunny day. This is the last day of summer after all and I have fewer and fewer moments to be present to that.

So I leave you with this information and these links and invite you to enjoy your last moments of summer and first moments of autumn. Rake the leaves in your bathing suit and serve margaritas if you like. Whatever you do, be present.

Today is the day of the Moon Festival in Asia when they celebrate the lady living in the moon, rather than the man, and eat mooncakes. I could go for a mooncake.

The full moon tonight, well tomorrow morning at 2:17am PDT is called the Harvest Moon; also, the Gypsy Moon and Chrysanthemum Moon. The Oto tribe calls it Spider Web on the Ground at Dawn Moon. I kind of like that one.

With both eyes on the sky tonight, you can get a good look at Jupiter and Uranus rising in the eastern sky. This article will tell you more.

Finally, I leave you with a song that gets a lot of hits this time of year. So take a moment, get comfy, and let the sounds and music wash over you. On the one hand, this is one person singing to another. In my world, it is the Divine singing to me. It is Gaia singing to me, to all of us: “Because I’m still in love with you, I want to see you dance again.”

We are  music. We are Love. We are dancers, all.

Enjoy, beautiful ones, and I’ll see you on the other side of the equinox.

Oh and if you have a guitar and want to play this later, check this out: Heartwood Guitar

Harvest Moon by Neil Young

(performed in YouTube below by Cassandra Wilson)

Come a little bit closer
Hear what I have to say
Just like children sleepin’
We could dream this night away.

But there’s a full moon risin’
Let’s go dancin’ in the light
We know where the music’s playin’
Let’s go out and feel the night.

Because I’m still in love with you
I want to see you dance again
Because I’m still in love with you
On this harvest moon.

When we were strangers
I watched you from afar
When we were lovers
I loved you with all my heart.

But now it’s gettin’ late
And the moon is climbin’ high
I want to celebrate
See it shinin’ in your eye.

Because I’m still in love with you
I want to see you dance again
Because I’m still in love with you
On this harvest moon.

copyright(c) September 2010, Kathy J Loh, All Rights Reserved

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From the farthest reaches of a dark passageway, at the end of which I could see the reflection of heat and flame, came a giant turning lathe.  It was not menacing. In fact it was benevolent. (I don’t even know for sure what a lathe is, but I knew it to be one). The lathe was a bit larger than me and as it approached, I heard a booming voice ask, “What do you want?”

So many pictures ran through my mind: musician, photographer, writer.  I want to live in the country, have a solid coaching career, be an artist. I want romance, love, adventure, health, to be inspired, to make a difference. I had to make a choice and I could not do it.

The lathe paused, though it kept turning in preparation, and the voice inquired again, “What do you want?”

I grew anxious. I was unable to move. I knew that whatever I picked, the lathe would create for me or even of me. Though there was a sense of urgency in making the choice, I was not in need of Superman’s intervention or rescue. The voice and the lathe were not threatening. They were patient and generous. They wanted very much to give me what I want.

I awoke in the midst of my indecision. I experienced this dream in a half-awake, half-asleep 6 am state. I laughed as my now-awake mind quipped “Is there a combo platter?” I often go to humor to release my anxiety.

Beetle, copyright (c) Kathy J Loh

Lost? (K J Loh)

Now that I am in this bigger house with plenty of room for my various activities, I am still facing the fact that there is not enough time to do everything I want to do; at least, not to the degree to which I want to do them.  As I wrote in the prior post, I am in the midst of reviewing my interests and activities (and the stuff that supports those activities that have come out of the boxes).

I’m a Gemini. I have no lack of ideas (three boxes full of little notes with ideas on them) and no lack of interests. Sometimes, I am content with simply being present to now, enjoying what I enjoy and at other times I want to really dive deep and achieve mastery at something, some one thing. I’m probably what Barbara Sher calls a “scanner.”

But the lathe and voice were not interested in combo-platters or scanning.

“Wood turning lathes never make mistakes, only kindling!”

I found that quote when I looked up “lathe” on the web. No wonder I was anxious in the dream. Picking one thing makes kindling of the rest. Aaack!

My dream-interpreting friends will advise me to become the lathe, become the voice and get their perspective. The voice loves me. The voice wants me to have what I want. The lathe loves me. It is ready to create for me whatever I ask. They are the parts of me that feel a deep desire for something. The me that faces them is the confused one. She who is feeling lost.

What I am coming to realize is that, while form matters to some degree, the deep desire, the longing in my heart is more about function. The forms of composing/playing music, photography, writing are all forms of creative expression; intimacy with words, sounds, nature, connecting with self and other. What I notice when I review my personalized combo-platter, is that the underlying function or essence of every option is intimacy.

I sat in meditation with this and discovered how lost I’d gotten along the way. As far back as I can remember (and I have memories from when I was 3), I have looked to others to know what I “should” do in life. I have followed the bread crumbs of acknowledgment, rewards and high marks. Gifted children have many talents. Not all of them speak to their heart’s desire, while too many of them speak to well-meaning parents, teachers and counselors. I had many ways I could make others happy and get their love and approval.

My own way went into hiding, deep in the recesses of my heart. For whatever reason, I felt a need to protect my desires (and me) from shame and humiliation. As a result, I’ve been a lot of things to a lot of people and mostly lost to me. People don’t know me as well as they think because so much of what I love to do, I do in solitude and in the hours that are not taken by the activities deemed as productive, useful and helpful. And, as this dream shows, even I don’t know me as well as I think I do.

The intimacy I crave has been (until now) doomed by the very behavior that was meant to preserve it.

Awakening to being lost isn’t such a bad thing. As these words unfold before me, I recognize it to be a story shared by many.

Being lost is uncomfortable. It is edgy and vulnerable. At my age, it is fodder for the “wasted-your-life” vortex. It’s also an opportunity. I intend to stay lost for as long as it takes. The voice and the lathe will wait. I know it’s about intimacy, yes, and I know it’s about Love (with a capital L).

I have been declaring my willingness to be changed by Love. I am standing still and listening. I am sitting with an open heart. I am playing with the sounds that come out of my throat. I am seeing the world up close and personal through the camera lens. I let words unfold in speech and on the paper and let myself be surprised by them. I am not able to identify myself as this or that.

I am co-creating with Love and I am not declaring the outcome. Is feeling lost uncomfortable? You bet it’s uncomfortable, agonizingly, joyfully, mysteriously, intimately uncomfortable.

Postscript: As I reviewed this prior to posting, I was struck by this: What I love about these activities and about intimacy is actually that same feeling of being lost – the taste of the infinite and timeless. Perhaps lost is where soul is found.

copyright (c) September 2010, Kathy J Loh, All Rights Reserved

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In my last post “Birthing New Beginnings,” I wrote of my resistance to manifesting my ideas into form. When I pondered the resistance, I discovered I had a fear of revisiting the deep trough of sadness I’d experienced a few years back in the form of a broken heart. Here is the continuation of that contemplation.

There is no long story to this. It’s pretty simple really in all its complexity. The bottom line is: I am not afraid of a broken heart. The breaking of my heart is not what caused my protracted misery. What I realize is that my own attachment to the misery, my attachment to the people, story, identity I did not want to release, my refusal to leave the chrysalis and emerge anew was what caused my pain.

There is this voice within that is not so pleasant. Some call it a gremlin, saboteur or inner critic. Others call it the negative ego or distorted voice. Whatever we call it, it still stinks. It is sly, conniving, a shape-shifter and, at times, downright malicious. I have experienced this voice as an energy that comes over me.

I remember sitting at the breakfast counter in a house I was staying in and feeling this energy pummeling me. I was in pain. I was crying. I felt myself a total victim to it. My whole body was contracted and, though I knew it would pass, for the moment I was under its spell.

I remember another time, just getting ready to go to sleep at a beautiful retreat in Punta Mita, Mexico. I could feel the energy hovering over me, ready to come in for the attack. I simply said “No, not this time.” The energy left and I drifted off to a deep and peaceful sleep. It was a pivotal moment for me; one in which I had finally stood up to my negative ego.

Moon 8_28_09

(c) Kathy J Loh

Most days, if the negative ego begins to speak to me, I hear it, I recognize it, but I don’t fall under its spell. The only spells I experience are the ones I am so under that I don’t even know it. I am a fish in the waters of the spell. Others may be able to see it, but I don’t, until I do.

This is where contemplation becomes essential. My daily sessions of going within are intended to help me awaken more and more to truth and release myself from the grip of delusion and illusion.

Once I had made the distinction between fearing a broken heart (a normal rite of passage in life) and wallowing in it because of attachments and shadowy archetype reactions, I was able to stumble upon a gem of enlightenment. I say stumble upon, because I was actually out hiking when it hit me and I stopped in my tracks and gasped out loud.

I am not afraid of a broken heart. I am not even afraid of becoming attached to my sadness. What I am afraid of, that which is trying to spook me, is my own self-loathing. I saw it. My negative ego is powerful only in direct proportion to my own self-loathing and my willingness to be mean to myself.

(note: I notice that after I wrote that last sentence, I got up and went to do a load of laundry. It’s not easy sitting with the fact that I have and experience self-loathing.)

It was my delusions of worthlessness, and of being unlovable that took me down.  Those delusions had me grasping for identities, people and things to earn and somehow give to me worth and love. I was under the horrific notion that I could fill those needs out there in people, things and doings.  (Yes, we all do it and that does not make it any less horrific.) It’s a downward spiral. Once the negative ego had me, the self-loathing led to more of the same.

What stopped me in my tracks was not so much the discovery of the truth beneath the ruse, but the simultaneous liberation that accompanied it. I don’t loathe myself anymore, not like that. I don’t despise myself so much that I am willing to tolerate days of misery bullied by my negative ego.

For over a year, I have faithfully practiced the “I Love You” exercise I made up and wrote about in an earlier post. I have found and used my nurturing parent voice. (thanks to Lucid Living) I have rewritten my story, forgiven others and most importantly, myself. In truth, my heart has cracked as widely open with joy as it has with pain.

I love myself and this life I am living. And I trust myself. This is the crux of the discovery.

I trust myself not to create protracted pain for myself from a place of self-loathing.

I trust myself to laugh at my foibles, to lean into the support of friends and unseen allies.

I trust myself to be nurturing, kind and loving to myself and others.

I trust myself to speak honestly to others and myself and to be compassionate rather than rescuing or demeaning.

I’m still on that journey. I’m still learning and growing. There are more illusions to dispel. I trust myself every step of the way. If a big wind comes and knocks me sideways, I trust myself to love myself through it. I know I will find my footing again.

This is the celebration, the return at the end of my Hero’s Journey; this particular journey within the broader journey. Because I now know that I love and trust myself, I also celebrate, honor and respect myself. In so doing, I also celebrate, honor and respect others and all of life. I celebrate the miracle of life and the miracle that is me.  I am aware of the preciousness of life, of breath and the wonder of the human spirit.

This self-loathing piece is slippery. When I look in the mirror and I catch myself thinking mean things about how I’m aging, how my body is changing; when I look around my office and berate myself for the disorganization; I know I am being unkind. There are times when my desire to improve myself mentally, physically, emotionally or spiritually, is not truly generated from love. It is born of a lack of self-acceptance, of conditional if-then love and comparing myself with others or with commercial standards.

Here’s how I can tell the difference.

If there is a resonance of self-loathing, I have resistance. A duality of imprisonment and over-indulgence takes shape in my behaviors. It shows up in statements that begin with words like “I must, I need, I should, I deserve, I’ve earned” and it feels really hard which leaves me feeling really entitled. My energy is depleted.

If I am celebrating the miracle of life and living, I have no resistance to taking exquisite care of myself in all of my practices be they mental, physical, spiritual or emotional. If I am loving myself, it feels clean, good, honest and true to exercise and eat right; to clean my home and even to say no to someone’s request of me.  My energy is replenished and vital.

I like to imagine consciousness having created each of us from an urge for a unique expression. Now, as that unique expression manifested into form, consciousness marvels at itself, through us and through our senses.

I choose to celebrate.

My mantra for the week has been to ask “How is this celebrating the miracle of me?”

I offer it to you as a practice:

How is this next action, this thought, these words you are about to speak celebrating the miracle of life and the miracle of you?

You are amazing!

copyright(c) February 2010, Kathy J Loh  All Rights Reserved

Put on your dancing shoes. Here’s a little song for you:

I’m Amazing by Keb’ Mo’ (Keep it Simple) (written by Keb’ Mo’ and Robbie Brooks) Samples on the site.

(sometimes the word “true” appears as “drue.”)


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This is my last post in response to Gwen Bell’s #best09 blog challenge

I just could not keep up with this challenge of a daily blog post responding to specific prompts. It’s not that I don’t think it’s a great idea and plenty of bloggers have kept the faith. I’ve enjoyed reading what others have written, even if it does at times leave me wondering if I’m just old or don’t have a life anymore!

What can I say? I’m a Gemini. Yeah, that’s it. I’m a Gemini and I am a freedom lover. I don’t blog every day. I don’t stick with plans. Besides, it sounds better to say that than have to answer nearly every one of the prompts with either “I didn’t have such a moment” or “I can’t remember. Let me get out all my journals and look it up.”

Still I have this desire to complete this challenge and so, with apologies for bad meter and iffy rhymes, here is my response to prompts for Dec 12th through Dec 31st. To help your orientation, I’ve used italics to indicate Gwen’s prompts.

Except for the cactus I had in November

I’ve eaten no new foods since way last December.

I keep my meals boring to control my weight

But offer me chocolate, I won’t hesitate.

Changes I’ve made to my home have been

The absolute miracle I keep it clean.

I moved some boxes to the shed

And off to Goodwill others led.

I got a rush each time I spied

A hawk or deer or when I cried

For knowing I am so well loved

By Goddess and the moon above.

Best packaging, I’d have to say

Are new notebooks that came my way.

Punch Studio is one I’ll name

Makes Staples stuff look pretty tame.

Tea of the year I can’t vote for.

I am allergic to all tea, so

I drink hot water, with a dash

Of honey and a lemon splash.

A word or phrase to give the gist

Of 2009 without a list;

A picture, poem or epitaph

I’d have to say it’s Full Moon Path.

Where did I spend my cash this year?

What shop is irresistibly dear?

I spend my cash on staying well

With massages from Jennifer Eisele.

My camper van’s my only car

I love to drive it near and far

The best  of drives is  HWY 1

Until into Big Sur you run.

Hwy 1 Coastal view

CA Hwy 1 (K J Loh)

Pamela, Carol, Julie and Lisa

Lori and Annie, Mom and Alicia

These are some of my newest friends

My mom, because we’ve made new amends.

The project I started this year was my blog

It helps me to write my way out of a fog

Out of the shadows and into the light

Of dancing with love, and freedom and life.

I cannot seem to bring to mind

A new startup business of any kind

That I came across in 2009

Other than what I plan to do with mine.

A web tool I don’t think I can live without?

If they ever make one, I’ll give you a shout.

So far this web thing has only served

To suck up my time and leave me unnerved.

What lesson did I learn this year that changed me?

That I control nothing and that I am free

That Love is the answer as is often said

That my heart knows plenty that’s lost to my head.

The gift that keeps giving that I gave to me

Was to love, love myself unconditionally

The insight or aha! or epiphany

Was that I am the drop and the entire sea.

My social web moments were blissful and fun

But my isolation, it has run its run.

The time of my healing is over and done

I’m about to become a more outgoing one.

I’m not a paper fanatic and so

I can’t vote for stationery although

I do like a slick blank page and a pen

That is purple and flows evenly when

I lay on my back with my journal upended

While the latest adventures of the day are appended.

Three more entries before the  conclusion;

A big laugh, an ad and an old resolution.

I laugh with delight every time that I see

A sign Trickster Universe has sent to me

The giggle zone is where my bro and I went

When an evening of good times and teasing we spent.

Advertizing on TV and in mags make me scream,

All lying and shouting and promising dreams

Underscored with disclaimers that spell it out clearly

Any meds that you take you will pay for quite dearly.

And so here we are at the end of the line

There is one more question before Auld Lang Syne

What did I resolve on last New Year’s Day

That I wish I’d stuck with and had not delayed?

The gift of forgetting is I can’t remember

What I might have promised myself last December!

So this year I decided to give it a rest

And not put myself through this challenging test

Which I know all too well I am bound to fail.

I’ll just pay attention and keep trimming my sail.

copyright (c) December 2009, Kathy J Loh, All Rights Reserved

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I spent last week at a Lucid Living retreat, “Secrets of Happiness” in beautiful Santa Barbara. We stayed at the Four Seasons Biltmore where the service and attention to detail is impeccable.

On the final morning of my stay, I ordered a room-service double latte. When the knock came, I expected to be handed a simple coffee cup on a saucer right there at the door. (These words conjured up all kinds of funny images when I spoke it to my circle later. My favorite was the image of a medieval prison guard shoving a gourd of gruel through a small opening in a large plank door and then slamming it shut in my face.  It is one of those scarcity scenarios I’m so gifted at imagining.)

Instead, the double latte was delivered on a silver platter adorned with a cloth napkin and accompanied by two biscotti, a shiny silver spoon, two lumps of sugar (white and brown), an assortment of other sweeteners and one stunningly beautiful yellow flower in a white vase.

From my scarcity perspective, I would call this overkill and I would make up how politically incorrect and extravagant the entire scene was, harkening back to my “starving kids in Africa” clean plate days as a child.

From my celebration-of-beauty-and-self, celebration-of-spirit-and-soul perspective, of course I would be served in this way. Not only would I be served, but I would create the same for others. Beauty is our innate being and this service and presentation are a reflection of that.

I carried the tray to my balcony dining table and settled into a feast for the senses; the aroma and taste of hot latte, the clinking of the spoon, the singing and chattering of birds, the verdant beauty of lush grounds and the freshness of the ocean breeze.

I found myself completely and utterly captivated by the gorgeous yellow flower. There it sat in the vase, vibrant and bursting like the sun. It became the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I drank it in, feasted upon it as if starving, as if I’d never get enough. For a moment, it became my entire world.

(c) Kathy J Loh

(c) Kathy J Loh

I saw the flower watching me as I watched it. I saw the flower generously giving of its beauty and in seeing that, I saw my own beauty and felt my desire to give in the same way. I felt the transience of its loveliness and, knowing I’d be checking out in an hour, I felt a great sadness for the brevity of the experience.

This put me directly in touch with my desire to hold on to any and everything that brings me joy and happiness. I was reminded of all the sunsets and the moon risings, the shooting stars and animal sightings that I want to somehow keep forever. This is why I carry my camera and perhaps even why I journal and write. I want to remember it all. I want to remember the love and the beauty.  I want to re-member it; to know oneness and forget my separation.

I thought of the people I love and this life I love. I don’t want them to pass, I don’t want to face growing older or the loss of this incredible gift of life.  I don’t want to know long stretches of time without the people I love in them. The sadness fills my heart and overflows in my tears. I become aware, that it is my willingness to be with this great sadness that brings me in touch with my great desire, passion and love for others, for this life, for the beauty of our planet and our humanity. By feeling this sadness and grief, I increase my capacity to also feel passion and joy. It doesn’t work for me to deny the grief. It only chokes off all my emotions.

While beauty never fades, the forms shift and pass. While love is ever-present, its form shifts and passes. I can’t hold on. I want to possess and I must let go. What I try to possess withers and fades. I trust that what I release comes back to me revealed as ever-present in its being and in my being.

One simple, radiant yellow flower, warming my heart like a new day’s sun, taught me this. What a gift, what service. May I be a willing flower generously revealing my inherent radiance.  May I know within me, such courage and such love.  May we all.

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